Tomorrow I will be 4 weeks out of chemo, and I'll be heading home! Watch out St. John's!
I still feel the fatigue but I definitely don't feel as weak compared to what I felt the days after chemo. I would usually just start to feel good right before chemo and those days were very short lived because then I'd have to face chemo once again. I certainly don't feel like I did before Cancer came into my life but the best word to describe how I feel would be "refreshed". Knowing that from here its all uphill is a great feeling, mentally and physically. I don't ever have to face chemo again and I'm going back to school. I am finally getting my life back. A few months ago, I thought I had hit rock bottom. I didn't know I would be going back to school or how I could even afford to go back. Everything felt like it was so far away. Now everything is within reach and I am certainly going in for the grab. People ask when I plan to go back to school. When I tell them that I'm leaving so soon, they look so shocked. To be honest, I could have used a little more time to recover but there is no time like the present. I have been home for 7 months and have almost forgotten how to be independent. However; I cant wait to get back to my own routine and get back to my education. I beat Cancer so I'm hoping I still have the same strength to get through next semester. I am definitely not scared of going back tomorrow but I am a little nervous. What I am nervous about is getting back to my social life. I haven't really had one in the past 7 months. I feel like I have been under a rock the whole time. I have to learn to re-live my life because I know I always say I want to get back to normal, but I know it wont be the same before cancer. I feel like I will always have to explain myself when I meet new people. I still don't have the same energy nor look like 100% and I dont want people thinking I'm lazy nor not trying to look good but at the same time I don't want their pity. I just want them to at least "try" and understand. I think for my friends, it will definitely be an adjustment. Before, I would be down for anything. Now I have to think and make sure I really take care of my body and not over do it. I still have trouble handling alcohol. My body rejects it almost every time. Now when I go out, I will just have to enjoy myself while staying sober. Some of my friends saw me over the summer while I was in chemo, but I was only 2 or 4 treatments in. Now I've completed 12 and there is a huge difference in my energy and looks compared to then. I just have to take the next few months and move forward with my life and learn the ropes of life after cancer. At the beginning of this journey I thought this would be completely behind me after my last chemo. I was forunate enough to meet people on similar journeys who reminded me that nothing will be the same. I don't just magically get out of chemo and feel better. They reminded me that all these thoughts and emotions after cancer are completely normal too! I can't forget that by leaving tomorrow, I am leaving my care takers and main supporters of my support team behind which is my family. Yes, my friends supported me by keeping me in touch and encouraging me but my parents fed me, drove me to my appointments, saw me at my very worst and still stuck by me when I had my melt downs. I'm definitely going to miss all their support now that I'm heading out on my own. When I had my last Chemo on November 30th, I didn't feel done. I think it was because I still didn't have my life back. Tomorrow when I land in St. John's that will be when this chapter officially ends and a new chapter starts. That will be my ringing of the bell. When my friends arrive later on, that will be the big celebration. I can't wait to be surrounded by the people I've missed so dearly. I'm sure this next year will be extra special when we get to cherish each other so much more. The past 7 months haven't been the best, however I have learned so much and now look at life in a different life. Watch out NL, because I am coming back brighter and stronger. Nothing can take me away now.
3 Comments
6 months and 15 days ago, my life altered completely. Yesterday, I won my fight. I finally finished my 12th and final chemo treatment. I'm finally free and I have no more treatments to prepare for. Yesterday was full of celebration as I rang that bell as hard as I could symbolizing that I had won. I had so many emotions run through my had such as happiness and relief. I had Cancer but Cancer never had me. Its a weird feeling knowing that the past 6 months is all behind me know. My verbs have changed from "I have Cancer" to "I HAD Cancer". In way I feel I bit guilty. I've met so many people who have had a much more difficult and longer cancer journey than I have. I'm lucky to have had it the way I did but knowing that I'm done and that there are still people out there fighting makes me a bit sad. On May 16th I never thought that this day would come. Surprisingly, It went by incredibly fast. 6 months ago a good friend told me that this would only be peanuts. I thought she was crazy but she was true. I thought this would ruin everything. I thought It would ruin my career, my education and that I would feel lonely and distant from all my friends. I thought I would loose all my hair and become incredibly sick. Instead I surprised myself and powered through. I certainly lost some hair but not all and I've realized that cancer treatments have changed drastically over the years. Cancer is certainly not my whole story but it is a big chapter in my life that has altered my views on things has certainly changed my outlook on life. It has only made my friendships stronger. Yesterday I was surrounded by my family knowing that I wasn't the only one affected by this. I was so grateful to share my joy with them. Unfortunately I wasn't able to share it with my friends in Newfoundland and the people I met on my amazing camping trip. I knew they were all thinking of me but I wish they could have been there so I could have thanked them for all their love and support they have given me. At such a young age we have all been affected by this and instead of being afraid they gave me strength to beat this. As soon as I left the hospital, I made a very important call to my friend Abby who lived with me at the time I was diagnosed. She too has been affected by all of this and she was the one who helped me create this blog. None of this would have been possible without her. People keep telling me that I inspired so many others. I am very grateful for those kind words and I hope that I can help some one through my blogs get through tough situations in life even if its something other than Cancer. Unfortunately we live in a world where cancer has touched so many and will continue to do so until a definite cure is found. I may not cure cancer but I hope that my words will help someone find comfort and realize that a positive attitude is just as strong as chemo therapy. Don't worry this blog has not ended quite yet. I realize that this journey is not entirely over. In just 28 days, I will be moving back to Newfoundland to get my life back on track. I used to say I wanted to get my life back to normal however; my life will probably never be the same. I don't think you can go through a challenge like I did and not change. I finally have a second chance at life. I'm certainly the same old crazy Kate but I realize that its not worth sweating the small stuff. As long as I have my friends and family's support things will be OK. That doesn't mean I wont be faced with more challenges in the future but this test proved that I can handle anything. Right now I'm focusing on my transition from living with cancer to being a cancer survivor. The next month I will be focusing on healing. I've been told that life after cancer is another challenge. For 6 months the only thing I had that was mine was cancer and now its gone. I'm certainly glad I'm free at last but getting back into the swing of things will be a new mountain for me to climb. I will certainly be sharing my transition and my journey getting back to school with all of you through my blog. Thank you to everyone for their love and support. I knew that I wasn't alone through this. Thank you for believing in me that I had the strength to win this battle, when there was some days when I doubted my self. Every kind word and every card and package that was sent to me helped me believe in myself. Every thing I've learnt I will take with me everywhere I go in life. I can't wait to see what's in store for me in the future, knowing from now on I will live a happy and healthy life. ~A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor~ .... and also "FUCK CANCER!" |
Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
Categories |