Dear, Last Year Me: Your life has just changed instantly. The past few months you’ve been sick but nothing could ever prepare you for these words: “You have Cancer”. You can’t process it. At this moment you are looking at a brick wall. You can’t see through the other side and it truly pisses you off. You didn’t get this far to reach a brick wall. You are angered, disappointed and confused. You want to yell at the top of your lungs. There is no one to blame. These past few months you have been feeling that you are sinking and today, you have officially hit rock bottom. You are a sailor, you are supposed to stay afloat. You are thinking this isn’t supposed to happen. Remember you are looking at a wall. It’s not a wall if there isn’t another side. There is another side and I’m on it with the wall behind me. This year will be hell, but the sun will shine ONLY if you let it. This may be the biggest storm of your life, but smooth seas never made a skillful sailor. You’ll learn how to sail to safe waters and sometimes learn to just wait the storm out. There is no promising that another storm won’t come along, however; this storm will prepare you for your future. I’m writing to you 365 days later. I can tell you that you will certainly make it through this storm. That means you will survive and you will beat it. In 365 days you will be navigating through new waters as a Cancer Survivor. I’m telling you what will happen a year from now, but you’ll learn that you have to take it day by day…365 times to be exact. Still 1 year later, I take it one day at time facing new challenges. 365 days from now (May 16, 2018), you will be back in St. John’s, back in school and prepping for your long work term once again just like last year however you are “Cancer Free”. You will have fought it, beat it and survived it. You can do it and will do it. There will be blood, sweat and tears…literally. You will continue to challenge and amaze yourself. Your plans will change continuously. Just take it in stride and breathe. Nothing in life ever comes with a plan and everything great in life comes with a challenge. Remember through the blood, sweat and tears that the goal is to beat this and get back on course. FYI, Dad will ALWAYS wear his Marine Institute sweater to EVERY chemo, appointment and biopsy. You will want to argue with him to take it off so he doesn’t embarrass you. Don’t fight him on it, just be grateful he’s there. It could always be worse. You are going to amaze yourself that by the end of this you will look at life in a new light. You will try and find that one reason why this is happening. Jokes on you. There isn’t just one reason. You are just on a new course with a different heading faced with storms with beautiful sights along the way. Just a few weeks ago I was told that this was an opportunity. Suddenly my search for that one reason stopped and I reflected on what this diagnoses has done for me. You will have to accept the fact that you have to move back to Ontario however you will get time with your family which you will never have that opportunity again. I’m not going to lie, you will lose friends. On the other hand you will get to learn who your true friends are and will also make many new friendships. Meeting other young Cancer patients and survivors will be the biggest boost of confidence in your journey. You will realize you aren’t alone and will finally feel a sense of belonging that you have been searching for. You’ll learn to cherish every second with someone because you know that life is way too short. You’ll learn to laugh even when it’s not the most appropriate times. In a few days you’ll find yourself wondering if you’ll lose your hair. Instead of getting hung up on your emotions. You and your roommate will put on hats and do your make up to look like a cancer patient. Probably not appropriate but it’s your life and your cancer so do what you want. Instead of crying through the pain you’ll say every word in the book and do not apologize. Back to the hair. You won’t lose all of it. This will surprise yourself and the doctors. It will become painful and your hair will become your enemy. You will try many different styles and colors till it’s barely there. If I could do it all over again I would have shaved it from the start. It caused me so much pain and I don’t know why I as holding on to something so meaningless. You’ll learn the only thing you have is your attitude. Your life is not defined by what has happened to you, it’s defined by how you handle situations. Cancer will not define you but your strength will. You will find a passion for art and channel your emotions. You will also challenge yourself and start a blog. Crazy, right? You used to hate writing. Instead of trying to find someone to blame, you’ll put everything on paper and share it the world. That blog will reach out to many people and allow you the opportunity to share your story. You will speak to thousands of people. Sometimes you will think people just want you to speak because you have Cancer. Absolutely not! It’s what you have done with your life to show others that you have Cancer but it doesn’t have you. You will literally look Cancer in the eye and tell it to FUCK OFF, because you are the toughest girl I know. On November 30th you’ll finally become Cancer free. This day will be even more confusing than today, the day of your diagnoses. You will have just gotten used to the routine of chemo and now the switch has flipped and you’re Cancer Free. You will think that everything will come together when you are finally back in school. Again, jokes on you. You will rush to get back to school and learn that you probably should have taken more time to recover. Instead of turning back towards the wall you’ll push through another wall. You’ll learn to live as a survivor. You will feel even more lost. You will try to fit in but you’ll learn fitting in isn’t always the best option. Stand out and be proud of how far you’ve come. In March you will get a tattoo saying “A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor”, celebrating your clear scan. This quote will become a huge significance to you in this journey but it will also be the first time you will be doing something to your body that is your choice. These next 6 months of treatment you will be poked and prodded like some sort of test subject. Remember there will come a day when it’s your choice and it means something positive. Today 365 days later. I am 5 months and 16 days Cancer free. I’m free. This past year is finally behind me. I can’t say I don’t look back because I do all the time but instead of crying tears of sorrow, I look back, smile and cry tears of joy because I proved to myself that I can do just about everything include beat Cancer. Katie, as you are mentally looking at the wall today you are physically looking in mirror looking at yourself. Your eyes are full of tears trying to look as yourself as a Cancer patient. You keep telling yourself that a year from now it will different. You are absolutely correct. Katie you’ve made it. 1 year from now you will look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a survivor. You didn’t hit rock bottom. You stayed afloat this whole time and proved that storms don’t scare you.
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Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
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