Today as the last day of 2018, I’m finding myself reflecting on last years New Year’s Eve, and how my expectations of 2018 last year certainly differ from what actually happened.
Last year I was extremely eager to welcome 2018. 2017 came with a life altering cancer diagnoses and I was excited to put that behind me. I couldn’t wait to start school again and work towards my work term. I thought I would put Cancer in my past and I could be “normal”. 2018 was far from normal. Once again I was put on a crazy path of recovery. Yes, I chose to go back to school and go on work-term very early but I was finally able to make choices on my own. Cancer was a challenge I didn’t choose but this year I was able to choose my own challenges. Everyday of 2018 was a physical and mental challenge. Through it all, I learned that my mental strength and my ability to take on anything is my greatest weapon. I learned that physical strength comes with time, patience and hard work. A lesson that I learned this year that stands out is that I’m anything less than ordinary and that’s what people love about me. I stray from the “normal” path of life and embrace it. Through this year I was fighting to have a normal life and look normal and it interfered with loving my own-self. I was extremely tough on my self and realized I wasn’t loving who I was. I At the beginning of 2018, I struggled to look in the mirror. I saw a battled and bruised “cancer girl” who was struggling to grow and accept her new hair as it was short and curly. I didn’t look like everyone else and thought that I was defined by cancer and defined by the year 2017. Now today I look into the mirror and see a confident young woman with a head full of beautiful curls who is loved by so many. I realized that I’m actually defined by 2018. Meaning, that Iim not defined by what’s thrown at me but rather by how I react to it. I want to walk into 2019 with a similar attitude as 2018. Except instead of fighting myself on who I am, I want to accept and embrace what makes me different.
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1 year ago today, I rang the bell marking the end of treatment signifying that I was moving on to a new chapter in my life. That day I was very eager to put everything behind me and get back to my “normal life”. Something that I didn’t tell people that day that when I rang that bell, I didn’t feel “finished”. For some reason I kept thinking that my fight wasn’t over. Maybe a part of me was afraid of re occurrence but I think I subconsciously knew that I still had an ever bigger fight ahead of me.
Life after cancer is absolutely beautiful but as I’ve said before the most beautiful things comes with the biggest challenges. Yes, treatment alone was a challenge, but in life you will continue to face a series of challenges despite the severity and length of the previous. I knew life after cancer wasn’t going to be easy. I had one goal and it was to get back on track to continuing my education and career; I had a plan in my head walking out of treatment last year. Well as I’ve preached before, life doesn’t have a plan. Man makes plans and god laughs. Every step I took in this past year came with its own rewards and battles. People are shocked to see where this past year has led me. When I was told that I was going to have 2nd chance at life I found myself racing against time and most of all myself. I struggled with balancing recovery and being able to enjoy life again. 1 month after treatment, I was back in school miles away from family. 7 months out of treatment I found myself in Scotland working in the North Sea. Every day was a physical and mental challenge wondering if this step was a bit too soon. Today, I find myself on a boat working offshore Newfoundland. All I wanted and talked about during treatment was how I longed to be back doing what I love. I’m very proud of myself that I was able to achieve what some days seemed impossible. Today, I realized that I certainly have not wasted my 2nd chance. This year taught me that life after cancer is harder than life with cancer. I’ve lived through both and continue to do so. For me, chemotherapy was the easy part. I thought that If I just sit in that chair, I’ll be one step closer to going back to school. Despite the days when I didn’t know if my life would ever continue on, most days I knew what the light was at the end of that tunnel. After treatment and after everyone disappears there’s no tunnel. There isn’t that one path that I’m supposed to follow. You have to trust and guide yourself through stormy waters. So many directions to follow with each direction having its own opportunities and obstacles. This year there were many occasions where I felt lost and alone. Through this year’s storms, I was able to build my own support system, choose who I loved and wanted to be a part of my life. I realized I wasn’t alone. I was even able to meet people along this year’s journey that I wouldn’t have met otherwise. Today I have built up an amazing support system that I’d thank to thank for helping me get to this day. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I recall myself sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor eyes full or tears with my dad and asking him “Why Me?”. Today I still continue to ask that question. Why did I get Cancer and most importantly why did I survive? I’ll never get one reason why. However despite the challenges this year, today I reminded why I am still here. Life will continue to go unplanned, and things will happen when you least expect it. Today I’m not defined by having cancer but on how I’ve dealt with the least expected. Despite a Cancer diagnoses I wouldn't change or have done anything differently. Yes, Cancer absolutely sucks but I wouldn't be where I am or who I am today. I believe I handled every situation the best I could and can say that I came out on the other side smiling. I’m extremely grateful for the life I have been given. I will continue to live my life with determination. Looking back on this year and seeing how much I have accomplished in 365 days, I’m eager to see what this next chapter of life has to offer. A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor How the hell do I respond to “Are you good now?” Being in a new environment means that I’m in a space where not many people know my Cancer story. When I tell people, this is the response I get 99% of the time. This response could possibly be because they are in shock and don’t know how to respond.
But what do they mean by good? If they were asking if I was cancer free then they should ask if I’m cancer free or not! If they are asking about my overall health now, of course not! I had poison pumped in to my body for 6 months, my body is not good. Remember; cancer doesn’t end when treatment ends. On the other hand people are so afraid to say the word “Cancer”. I believe people are so afraid to say it because they think it’s a death sentence. I shouldn’t be ashamed to tell my story or say cancer. In 2018, you would think that people would be able to communicate more thoroughly. Being in a new environment where people don’t know my story, I sometimes feel like I’m living a double life especially when I’m only 8 months out. And when I do decide to share it, this is the response I get. I’m sometimes torn whether I should keep my mouth shut or not. I don’t tell everyone I meet one the street obviously but when working or even dating, I feel like it’s something that I want to tell them. I especially tell people I work with because if something went wrong they need to know and even just day to day I work a little bit behind everyone. I don’t want people to be easy on me to understand and have that knowledge. As I’ve said before Cancer doesn’t end when you ring the bell. The first few months after treatment when I went back to school was more of a recovery stage. I found I was rushing to find my “new normal”, thinking there would be a point of no more struggles or new health problems. I thought the new normal would mean I would just work at a slower pace. I was completely wrong. I’ve changes my mind set from working out till I get my body back to working out to find how my body works. Day to day I struggle to get out of bed. My feet swell up after being on my feet all day. I have severe allergies. I don’t have the same strength as I used to. I have horrible circulation. My lungs suck and I need more sleep. So to the “are you good” question: No. However; I am cancer free, enjoying every day despite the struggle and am enjoying and loving my work. I love where I am in my life, and I’m supported my some humans. I’m not good but I am thriving. |
Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
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