Last weekend I attended the Young Adult Cancer Canada Survivor Conference. YACC is a foundation which allows Young adults living with the challenges of Cancer to connect and to support each other. To be honest with you, I wasn’t going to attend. I figured since I already had connected with other young adults during treatment on a camping trip, I had everything I needed. After treatment I had been trying so hard to fit in with “normal” people, and that by attending this conference I would only be stamping “Cancer Girl” on my forehead. I had been attending Local Life where local YACC members meet monthly and either do activities together or simply just chat and eat. I do truly enjoy these meet ups because it’s where I can go and not be a misfit. When I first attended local life I honestly thought it would be a scene from The Fault in our stars where they sit in a circle and are forced to talk about their feelings. I was truly relieved when that didn’t happen. Now when this conference came up, I thought okay, now this is where the fault in our stars scene in going to happen. It was most certainly not. For the first time ever, I got a chance to sit at a table with people around my age with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. People that understood every word I was saying. I honestly felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. There was no pressure at all to speak up and engage in conversation but everything came so naturally. I felt a true connection with these people. I felt so connected and supported. My roommate AKA soul sister and I immediately connected. I thought where were you this entire time?! I also connected with my local life family on a whole new level. We shared our stories and experiences. I was truly grateful to be able to listen to others and speak without judgment. I was able to let my guard down and finally be myself. It was the one place where I could laugh and cry all at the same time. This conference allowed me to remove my blinders. I realized that up until then I was still in fight mode. You would think it would just dissipate once treatment ended. Not for me. I returned to school just one month after and I was trying so hard to keep up with my peers and fit in. I still had one goal in mind: to go on my work term and finally go to sea. That was my light at the end of tunnel. Well I’m happy to share with you big news. I’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel. I have finally been approved to go to sea. Not only will I be at sea all year, I will be joining my ship this week in Aberdeen, Scotland. I’ll be working in the North Sea for the next few months. How fucking amazing is that?! Take that Cancer. This conference gave me the confidence and strength to allow me to turn another page in my story. I’m finally on a new chapter in my life. I’m still recovering and this work term will be quite a challenge mentally and physically, but I’ve always been one for a challenge. I have the mindset that everything good in life doesn’t come easy. I can’t wait to see what happens in this new chapter. I will leave on this new adventure knowing that I have a group of amazing people - My YACC family behind me supporting me. Always remember: A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.
1 Comment
Dear, Last Year Me: Your life has just changed instantly. The past few months you’ve been sick but nothing could ever prepare you for these words: “You have Cancer”. You can’t process it. At this moment you are looking at a brick wall. You can’t see through the other side and it truly pisses you off. You didn’t get this far to reach a brick wall. You are angered, disappointed and confused. You want to yell at the top of your lungs. There is no one to blame. These past few months you have been feeling that you are sinking and today, you have officially hit rock bottom. You are a sailor, you are supposed to stay afloat. You are thinking this isn’t supposed to happen. Remember you are looking at a wall. It’s not a wall if there isn’t another side. There is another side and I’m on it with the wall behind me. This year will be hell, but the sun will shine ONLY if you let it. This may be the biggest storm of your life, but smooth seas never made a skillful sailor. You’ll learn how to sail to safe waters and sometimes learn to just wait the storm out. There is no promising that another storm won’t come along, however; this storm will prepare you for your future. I’m writing to you 365 days later. I can tell you that you will certainly make it through this storm. That means you will survive and you will beat it. In 365 days you will be navigating through new waters as a Cancer Survivor. I’m telling you what will happen a year from now, but you’ll learn that you have to take it day by day…365 times to be exact. Still 1 year later, I take it one day at time facing new challenges. 365 days from now (May 16, 2018), you will be back in St. John’s, back in school and prepping for your long work term once again just like last year however you are “Cancer Free”. You will have fought it, beat it and survived it. You can do it and will do it. There will be blood, sweat and tears…literally. You will continue to challenge and amaze yourself. Your plans will change continuously. Just take it in stride and breathe. Nothing in life ever comes with a plan and everything great in life comes with a challenge. Remember through the blood, sweat and tears that the goal is to beat this and get back on course. FYI, Dad will ALWAYS wear his Marine Institute sweater to EVERY chemo, appointment and biopsy. You will want to argue with him to take it off so he doesn’t embarrass you. Don’t fight him on it, just be grateful he’s there. It could always be worse. You are going to amaze yourself that by the end of this you will look at life in a new light. You will try and find that one reason why this is happening. Jokes on you. There isn’t just one reason. You are just on a new course with a different heading faced with storms with beautiful sights along the way. Just a few weeks ago I was told that this was an opportunity. Suddenly my search for that one reason stopped and I reflected on what this diagnoses has done for me. You will have to accept the fact that you have to move back to Ontario however you will get time with your family which you will never have that opportunity again. I’m not going to lie, you will lose friends. On the other hand you will get to learn who your true friends are and will also make many new friendships. Meeting other young Cancer patients and survivors will be the biggest boost of confidence in your journey. You will realize you aren’t alone and will finally feel a sense of belonging that you have been searching for. You’ll learn to cherish every second with someone because you know that life is way too short. You’ll learn to laugh even when it’s not the most appropriate times. In a few days you’ll find yourself wondering if you’ll lose your hair. Instead of getting hung up on your emotions. You and your roommate will put on hats and do your make up to look like a cancer patient. Probably not appropriate but it’s your life and your cancer so do what you want. Instead of crying through the pain you’ll say every word in the book and do not apologize. Back to the hair. You won’t lose all of it. This will surprise yourself and the doctors. It will become painful and your hair will become your enemy. You will try many different styles and colors till it’s barely there. If I could do it all over again I would have shaved it from the start. It caused me so much pain and I don’t know why I as holding on to something so meaningless. You’ll learn the only thing you have is your attitude. Your life is not defined by what has happened to you, it’s defined by how you handle situations. Cancer will not define you but your strength will. You will find a passion for art and channel your emotions. You will also challenge yourself and start a blog. Crazy, right? You used to hate writing. Instead of trying to find someone to blame, you’ll put everything on paper and share it the world. That blog will reach out to many people and allow you the opportunity to share your story. You will speak to thousands of people. Sometimes you will think people just want you to speak because you have Cancer. Absolutely not! It’s what you have done with your life to show others that you have Cancer but it doesn’t have you. You will literally look Cancer in the eye and tell it to FUCK OFF, because you are the toughest girl I know. On November 30th you’ll finally become Cancer free. This day will be even more confusing than today, the day of your diagnoses. You will have just gotten used to the routine of chemo and now the switch has flipped and you’re Cancer Free. You will think that everything will come together when you are finally back in school. Again, jokes on you. You will rush to get back to school and learn that you probably should have taken more time to recover. Instead of turning back towards the wall you’ll push through another wall. You’ll learn to live as a survivor. You will feel even more lost. You will try to fit in but you’ll learn fitting in isn’t always the best option. Stand out and be proud of how far you’ve come. In March you will get a tattoo saying “A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor”, celebrating your clear scan. This quote will become a huge significance to you in this journey but it will also be the first time you will be doing something to your body that is your choice. These next 6 months of treatment you will be poked and prodded like some sort of test subject. Remember there will come a day when it’s your choice and it means something positive. Today 365 days later. I am 5 months and 16 days Cancer free. I’m free. This past year is finally behind me. I can’t say I don’t look back because I do all the time but instead of crying tears of sorrow, I look back, smile and cry tears of joy because I proved to myself that I can do just about everything include beat Cancer. Katie, as you are mentally looking at the wall today you are physically looking in mirror looking at yourself. Your eyes are full of tears trying to look as yourself as a Cancer patient. You keep telling yourself that a year from now it will different. You are absolutely correct. Katie you’ve made it. 1 year from now you will look in the mirror and tell yourself you are a survivor. You didn’t hit rock bottom. You stayed afloat this whole time and proved that storms don’t scare you. I decided to try something new and tell my story from a different angle. My good friend and supporter Holly has decided to share my story from her point of view because as we all know when someone has cancer it affects everyone. The reason why I asked Holly because she looks at life with such an open mind and has brought me such happiness and positive energy even before Cancer was in my life. She continues to support me and comes to all my cancer events and encourages me to pursue every opportunity that presents itself. I cannot thank Holly enough for her love and support through this journey. In the summer when she came to visit, I truly felt like a had a new boost of energy to continue my fight. She brought laughter into my home that my whole family needed. Thank you Holly for opening up and sharing your thoughts, I appreciate you so much. Please read from the angle of a supporter and enjoy!: Katie has been asking me to write this post since January, and I to be quite frank, I have been intentionally putting it off, as just thinking about sharing my emotions on the internet makes me anxious. Sharing those moments of happiness and triumph over the web has become almost mindless to most of us, while sharing your down's, your lowest lows, your absolute most raw and uncovered moments lies true beauty and strength. Please, bare with me as I attempt to have even half of Katie’s bravery in sharing my journey as I watched someone I loved so dearly climb up arguably the highest mountain of a challenge in her short 21-year-old life, and then watch her as she so gracefully fought her way up to the top of that mountain. I was recently watching this mindless comedy on Netflix where one of the characters said that all of the things that happen to us in life are opportunities. Getting the job, passing your test, getting the stomach flu, and even getting diagnosed with cancer are all opportunities. The purpose of life is how what we choose to do with these opportunities. Katie had been struggling with her health for months before her diagnosis, and after numerous doctors visits and test, all of us in her life knew that her having cancer was becoming more and more likely. The cancer jokes began to dissipate and then we all began to fear the ‘c’ word in conversation. When Katie’s official diagnosis came in I was in southern Manitoba on a work term by myself. I had no friends and family with me, and I will never forget the feeling I had in my stomach when she told me. It was as if my stomach had a twenty rocks in it and they just kept sinking deeper into my stomach each second I thought about it. Before this moment I had never known anyone personally that had cancer, and my only knowledge of the disease was through how it was presented in the media, and if y’all have seen “My Sister’s Keeper” we know that shit ain’t pretty. Throughout her treatment, I was only able to be with her once, so watching from a distance was incredibly frustrating. As the weeks passed, I remember feeling so guilty all the time. I would go for a walk, and then come back and feel guilty because I knew Katie would not be able to go for walks soon. However, amongst these feelings of guilt, the simple things in life that I had once took for granted, I now had a massive appreciation for. Katie’s illness ignited this flame for life in me that was so long burning on low. This past summer, I took that guilt and turned it into positive energy. I tried so many new things in the spirit of being fearless; a quality that Katie oozes, even before the cancer. So many people in my life now reach to me for positive energy, a good laugh, or even a smile. I wake up every day being goddamn grateful as hell for the life I have, as had to watch my best friends life be ripped away from her for 6 months. Sure, there are bad days, but it is what we make of those cloudy days that make our sunny days so much brighter. I would reach out to Katie almost daily to check in and chat with her throughout her treatment and that girl did not complain once. Not one fricking time did she complain. Imagine going through hell and still being able to smile-that is Katie. She embodies bravery, fearlessness, and one million other amazing qualities. To her I owe so much. As through her journey with cancer she has given me the opportunity to truly live my best life free of guilt, worry, and fear. Opportunity can strike at any time, and perspective is the ultimate weapon. Deep bows of gratitude, Katie. You are such a light. |
Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
Categories |