This past week had been a whirl wind of emotions. I've realized that life after cancer is possible but in no way is it easy.
This past week I have had to say goodbye to my parents who were my primary caretakers in this journey. I had my dad here to help me move in and it definitely helped me with this transition. The first day back certainly did not go as I thought it would. My classmates that I used to have all my classes with are on their long work term which means I am in classes with the year ahead. I now feel like the new kid, but I also feel like an outcast, because of the circumstances. Going back was my first big social interaction in a very long time. I don't know why I thought everything would go right back to normal and the first day would be a breeze because it certainly was not. When I walked into class on the first day, I walked in to the front of the class and everyone stopped talking and stared at me as I walked to the back of the class. I mean the very back corner, hoping everyone would forget I was back there. I was already extremely nervous and I felt nauseous, and this is coming from someone who experienced Chemo. I didn't expect any of my new class mates to speak to me however I did expect others in the hall that I at least knew to say hi. People who I knew fairly well approached me, but others who I used to talk to in passing at school and knew I was sick wouldn't even say a word and some I noticed completely avoided eye contact. Maybe they didn't know what say so they didn't say anything at all. I just want people to know that they can still talk to me and it doesn't have to be about cancer! I especially want to know how others are feeling because I am interested in others well being. It gets tiring when everyone asks about me all the time. The second day did get better. A few people in my class talked to me, which made me start to feel at ease. Being away made me forget how tiring it is to get from class to class, especially now that I am recovering. I even find paying attention in class is a struggle. I have so much on my mind and I just have a hard time focusing. After the first days ended, I really wondered if I made the right decision to come back. I knew I was in too deep now to turn around but I kept thinking "what if I didn't come back?". I think that If I stayed back, I would be taking the easy path. I keep telling myself that once I get into a routine and see all my friends, it will reassure me that this was the right decision for me. So far I've reunited with a few of my friends and it was very exhilarating to be back with them. I used to dream of days like these. I have to remember that's one of the big reasons I came back to my home. Even before Cancer, I truly believed that the most rewarding life experiences always came with a challenge. Maybe that's why they are so rewarding because you know that you climbed mountains and broke barriers to get your destination. 2018 is now here and looking back at 2017, I want to laugh, cry, scream and smile all at the same time. 2017 was a huge mountain to climb. However while I was climbing that mountain, I stopped, ignored the physical endurance and enjoyed the view. As much as I want to hate 2017, I can't. Things happen and you can't live with regret. I didn't have control over this but living with anger and disappointment wont help me moving forward. Any journey, good or bad, remember to stop and smell the roses. I hope 2018 is better and I truly believe I have some great things ahead of me, no matter what challenges lie ahead. I have the strength to encounter any storm or mountain in the years ahead. Remember: "A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor."
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Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
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