Its been awhile since my last post. Its been 2 full months in remission however, this past month has probably been the toughest. Probably tougher than treatment itself. Compared to now, it was easy for me to sit in a chair and get the drugs. I also had the support of my parents when I had to go through the side effects. With this post I'm going to be completely raw with you. Life after Cancer is one hell of a battle. Its another battle you are immediately faced with, one right after the other,
If i'm being honest, this isn't quite what I thought life without cancer would be like. I was warned it would be tough, but I figured I beat cancer, so this will be a breeze. I thought everything would go back to normal, my friends, my habits and my likes. There are some days where I think it would have been easier if the Cancer won. I wouldn't have to fight this battle. However I have to go back to when I was first diagnosed and thought "why me". Despite my thoughts and confusion then, I still fought that battle and won. Now I require the same mental strength. I think "why me, why did I survive and why do I have to keep struggling?". I have to keep moving forward and fight. Life after cancer can be dark. In treatment I received support almost 24 hrs a day. Even if I was home alone one day, I was constantly getting checked up on. Because of cancer, I got shoved in the spotlight. Despite not wanting to be the center of attention, I definitely needed the support at the time. Being checked up on constantly didn't give me much alone time but it kept me away from dark thoughts. Once I was declared in remission, it felt like a breath of fresh air. I had just won my battle. People slowly backed away. I appreciated the freedom but just because I had finished treatment didn't mean I was done with all the troubles and pain from cancer. I thought myself that I wouldn't need support anymore. I was wrong. Although I do think that going back to school was the right decision, a part of me do wishes I still had my family support system today right beside me. PTSD after cancer is real. It differs from other PTSD. Some people may fear the thought of when will it come back. I do have to say, I'm not afraid of it coming back, I'm more afraid of not living my life to its full potential. After cancer you are bombarded with your own personal thoughts. How should I spend my time? Who am I now? Should I completely forget who I was before? Do I even want to be a new person? Am I moving too fast? Does anyone understand me? Do I look normal? These thoughts are on my mind daily. Its exhausting when all you want to do is move forward and enjoy life like you wanted to. You think you are free after cancer but in these ways you aren't. Not only does Cancer continue to affect me mentally, I still continue to have physical side effects. I still don't have the same energy. A normal 8 hour day feels like 16 hours to me. I require much more sleep than the average person. Chemo poisoned me and made me weak. My strength doesn't magically reappear. I have to gradually gain my strength back from exercise. My immune system is still compromised. When I get sick, It will affect me more. I also still...cant drink alcohol the same. Some foods still bother me. I have to constantly remind people that I am recovering. Cancer changed me. Any little inconvenience in my life apart from cancer, I take with a grain of salt. They way I spend my time with the whom I love and what I love has changed. Dealing with cancer so young, made me grow up pretty fast. I'm proud of my personal growth but I struggle to connect with people my own age who are living without the struggles of cancer. Sometimes I struggle with sympathy. I recognize that there are people always worse off. People always have their personal challenges but when I hear people complain of something so simple and think they know everything, angers me. I know that I still have much to learn in life and I have cancer to thank for that but I know to enjoy the days you have. I don't have time for people that are so negative and cant see the good that life has to offer. You can't let a simple cold or negative energy ruin your day. You have to fight through little battles to have the strength for bigger battles when they come your way. Although I have been challenged, I have had personal growth over the past month. Sometimes I push myself to go out and be in social situations even thought they are no longer my strength. I'm connecting with more people in life with similar struggles and without. I'm learning to love my body, and teach others about self love. I'm realizing who is important in my life and who isn't and that it changing is apart of life. By realizing strengths in this battle, I am slowly but surely still getting back to my "new normal". My blog is "Storms don't Scare me". This means I won't turn away but I'll just re-adjust my sails once again. A sailor will never experience just one storm. I couldn't just expect smooth seas because.... "A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skillful Sailor".
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Author: Katie BarkerJust an average Sailor who battled Cancer and won! Archives
August 2018
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